In my work with trauma survivors I have heard from both ends of the story. On one end you have a partner that may be feeling overwhelmed, lost, confused, and helpless when dealing with their partner that is often triggered by their trauma. On the other end there is the trauma survivor-doing their best to get by one day at a time.
It can be easy for couples to begin to find fault in the relationship when both are struggling to live with this reality. However, it is important to remember that the overall situation is difficult for everyone-therefore the best solution is to provide support for everyone. You can begin by working on the following:
Safety
Establishing safety is an absolute necessity when forming any healthy relationship, but especially with trauma survivors. This may look like respecting boundaries, asking for consent when engaging, checking-in, and holding space. You can begin establishing safety by asking your partner what makes them feel safe, or how you can help them feel safer in the relationship (e.g. using a calm voice/tone when discussing conflict).
Boundaries
Boundaries are the rules and limits we set in any relationship to help us feel and stay safe. You can imagine how important it is to implement boundaries in a relationship. Many trauma survivors may struggle to set boundaries due to past trauma. They may fear negative repurcussions such as being shamed, blamed, rejected, abandoned, or abused. They may find themselves frozen when they feel violated, unable to express how they feel. Or the opposite, they may become extremely defensive and threaten to leave the realtionship.
Sit down with your partner and discuss each others boundaries. Do not judge, criticize, belittle, or question your partners boundaries. Make goals to show your partner that you respect their boundaries and care about them feeling safe. Here is an example of a possible conversation:
Partner 1: I have been thinking about our recent conflicts and think it would be helpful if we talked about boundaries, is now a good time?
Partner 2: Yes, I am ready now.
Partner 1: The other day when we went to the party, I felt very uncomfortable. I want to support your desire to socialize, however It also makes me very uneasy when we are in a large group of people not wearing masks.
Partner 2: I hear what you are saying, being around alot of people not wearing masks makes you uncomfortable.
Partner 1: I don’t think I am ready to participate in such a crowded setting.
Partner 2: You are not ready to be in crowded spaces. Im sorry, please let me know when you feel ready.
Partner 1: Thank you for listening.
Self Care
One hard truth about supporting someone that is healing from trauma is that they may be limited in their capacity to fulfill all their partners needs. It will be important for the supporting partner to engage in their own self care, including but not limited to exercise, talking to friends, talking to a priests, going to therapy, going to a support group, and making sure their basic needs are met (e.g. eating, sleeping, showering).
In a relationship there are times when one partner may not be feeling their best. For example, when one partner is sick, or has an accident, or loses their job. These are appropriate times to support your partner until they heal or recover. Of course, this is all considering that boundaries and safety are not jeapordized for either person.
Conclusion
In summary, supporting a partner with trauma begins with establishing safety, boundaries, and engaging in your own self care. If you feel stuck on how to begin these steps please reach out and schedule a 15 minute consultation.
